Baked with love

Fixing this morning's breakfast revealed an unexpected culinary anomaly:

Pillsbury with payout potential?

Okay, so this tiny heart doesn't carry the religious significance of the Virgin Mary pretzel or Jesus Cheetos that occasionally make headline news. But since divine cuisine has become almost commonplace, I began to wonder if this secular biscuit might be considered rare and valuable among ebay bidders.

Realizing that a hunk of raw dough wouldn't ship as well as a baked item, I slid the cookie sheet into the oven and began imagining how I would spend my sudden windfall — then realized my mistake 20 minutes later.

No matter how good my intentions had been, the baked-til-golden-brown version appeared to be nothing more than a flaky biscuit.

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You don't need to understand Japanese to realize the worldwide appeal of the item shown in this video:

Ready to dig its roots in

Green fingers are the extension of a verdant heart.

Russell Page · British garden designer
1906 - 1985

Three months ago when I bragged about my inherited hydrangea, I could hardly wait for planting season to arrive — then when it did, I grew nervous and began to drag my feet.

North side of the house?

Not enough direct sunlight.

South side then?

No way, it would block the forsythia.

Back flowerbed?

In the only suitable spot for Grandmother's hosta?

Okay then, somewhere out in the yard?

Just another obstacle to mow around.

How in the world will I get it out of this big planter?

This dilemma eventually took care of itself when the rotten wood began to fall off, making the rest easy to remove.

But what if it becomes fungussy and diseased?
Hates living here and refuses to bloom?
Or just shrivels up and dies?

You'll never know at this rate, will you?

Finally settled on a location, dug a big hole, pushed it in. Even remembered to use root stimulator.

And look what I found hiding under several years of dust in the garage — An old fashioned hydrangea's best friend!

Lesson (re)learned

Q:

How many fruit fly eggs come with an 18 lb. bag of fruit?

A:

Doesn't matter, since a well-prepared homemaker prevents the eggs from hatching by washing fresh produce when it's brought indoors.

And one day I hope to remember this lesson.

It begins innocently enough ... There I am, casually pushing a shopping cart through the produce aisles when it finds me — mmmmm the sweet aroma of Texas Ruby Red grapefruit! And for the thrifty price of those great big bags, who could resist?

A lovely drive home ...
No way do I put the fruit in the trunk, or even the back seat. I drive home surrounded by its scent.

Looky what I got!
The family's tickled to see the unexpected treat. Quick as we can haul the groceries indoors and stuff everything into the pantry, we grab a few knives, slice those suckers up and dig in!

Impaired judgement, poor decisions, regrets ...
Perhaps a belly full of fresh citrus is like that third glass of champagne you should've politely refused at your boss's wedding reception. I begin to realize that confining the remaining 15 pounds to the fridge would be foolish. Last time I tried that, we forgot we even had grapefruit and they all spoiled. The crisper bin isn't big enough to hold them all anyway. Besides, no Glade Plug-In can match the fragrance of a basket full of Ruby Reds on my kitchen counter. And of course I forget to wash them.

But I do eventually remember ...
Despite enjoying the grapefruit for breakfasts and betweeen-meal snacks, pushing them on guests and sharing with neighbors, I realize too late that I've repeated a tiresome mistake — but only after a gazillion fruit flies hatch and swarm throughout the house, where I suspect they continue to breed for several generations. I'm also reminded why I typically purchase ready-to-eat grapefruit slices in jars marked Del Monte.

Saving the fruit to dispose of the rinds —
but too late to kill off these annoying pests

Unwelcome reminder of the past

Crisis du jour:

Sewage backup!

I don't know what the average septic tank life is, but the one buried in my back yard has efficiently collected my household's wastewater for nearly 18 years with only occasional Rid-X® treatments. So when it recently began showing signs of age and wear, I wasn't all that surprised — but I was certainly disgusted by the filthy water that was seeping back into my tub and shower.

When the ignore-it-and-it'll-go-away approach stopped working after a couple weeks, a local sump pump service promptly drove out and did its duty. What a relief to put this unpleasant matter behind me!

Hoytie Toytie

Presenting ...

Miss Hoyte Bounds

circa 1912

This adorable baby girl eventually became my grandmother — and lots more.

• The school librarian who handed down the district's unwanted Dick-and-Janes from which I learned to read
• The farmer's wife who could out-shuck, out-can, out-freeze and out-cook any other
• A green thumb extraordinaire who lovingly created and tended Tippah County's most glorious daylily garden
• An outstanding seamstress that kept my kids' closets packed with everything from heirloom garments to playclothes
• The dedicated quilter who lovingly handstitched dozens of patchwork quilts for her family, along with countless gifts for St. Jude patients with fellow members of her local quilting guild

My daddy even published his mother's Cornbread Dressing recipe in his first cookbook, Wendell's Favorites. Takes several days to fix properly, and every bite's worth all the work! Click on the image below to discover its location on the World Wide Web:

Power breakfast

The most important meal of the day in my household oftentimes includes scrambled eggs. One morning during a recent visit, Uncle Hugh honored this dish's distinctive mixing technique with an official name:

The trick to perfect Eggs Dewalt is choosing a reliable power drill. And since they're not limited to plain scrambled, this morning I added cheese and sausage to create the perfect omelet.

Note: A pliable plastic bowl is recommended, since the vigorous mixing may damage glass or hard plastic.

After discovering that I'd used about half as much salt as needed, I decided my perfect omelet wasn't fit for human consumption and offered it to other hungry mouths to appreciate:

And real men do eat quiche after all ...

Even the sissiest egg casserole can be made suitable for Real Man consumption by scooping a generous helping into a large flour tortilla, adding picante sauce (the more the manlier), then rolling up into a breakfast burrito.

My own piece of hydrangea heaven

In 1975, I was given a gift of a blue hydrangea. It was love at first sight. As I explored the genus, my passion grew. A few years later, I learned I was not alone; many gardeners share my addiction. By 1994, I was convinced that the world's perfect shrub deserved a plant society to celebrate and explore its versatility.

Penny McHenry · 1925-2006
Founder of the American Hydrangea Society

It is with deep respect and humility that I report my recent inheritance of an adolescent hydrangea shrub. It belonged to my mother-in-law, who has tended it carefully for at least a decade.

Nevermind all that overgrown Bermuda grass. The summer blooms that grow on this plant are stunning! I'll admit that this isn't my first hydrangea. I've purchased several small ones over the past 20 years, but promptly killed them.

And from what I've been told, I ended up with this precious hand-me-down ... because no one else wanted it?

Enough is enough!

Never go to excess, but let moderation be your guide.

Cicero · 106 BC - 43 BC

I've already begun Spring Cleaning, but not by choice. Instead, the pantry got cleaned up after I accidentally turned a Family Size box of cereal upside down and spilled its contents on the three lower shelves. After emptying, sweeping, vacuuming and wiping, I faced the task of deciding how to fit all that stuff back in — until I began to realize that much of it was better suited to the local food pantry than my own.

The overabundance of food was baffling. Specialty items purchased for recipes that were never made, stuff that no one in this household would dream of eating, and so many multiples you'd think we've been preparing for a global famine. The examples pictured here are a small taste of how many un-necessities we've been stockpiling.

And the most ridiculous discovery of the day:

Since I try to learn from my mistakes, I'm gonna go reorganize my pantry so that full cereal boxes are no longer placed on the top shelf. For more ideas, here's a good one to start with from the heart of Texas.

How I Spent My Christmas Vacation

Of all the nerve! A less fashion-concious member of this household recently suggested that my Christmas footwear looks goofy. Okay so it's different, but there's always the chance I'm starting a new trend.

While I sit down to watch my favorite classic holiday film, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, I'll leave this laying around for you to amuse yourself with.

Another Christmas season bites the dust
Erma Bombeck · 1986

On my way – to where the air is sweeeeeet

Most weekday mornings at 9 am, I turn on Sesame Street for Maggie to enjoy its catchy theme song, after which she sits on her own little stool and watches for as long as the average magnificantly brilliant one-year-old can stand (ten minutes or less). It's charming to see its guest stars in classic Sesame Street segments. Today's episode featured environment as its Word On The Street, with Jimmy Fallon giving an outstanding performance as Wild Nature Survivor Guy.

More Sesame Street guest spots worth sharing:

• Paul Rudd · Earth Rocks :37
• Billy Joel and Marlee Matlin · Just The Way You Are 4:37
• Johnny Cash · Nasty Dan 2:13
• Arthur Ashe · ABC's :54
• Christopher Reeve · ABC's with Ernie 1:19

Watch your step around here

Crisis du jour:

Someone's been outside eating grass again.

Let's face it, there will always be those times when the drive to quickly eliminate a distraction will override my otherwise mindful approach to the situation at hand. Last night was one of those times. During Dancing With The Stars Season 9 finale, I thoughtlessly made a dash across the kitchen's tile floor to free a meowing cat that had gotten stuck in the garage. Before making it to the door, I slipped in cat vomit and fell to the floor, twisting my left knee — the same one that was operated on early last Summer. Then to add insult to injury, I was admonished for trying to one-up Kelly Osborne's bold freestyle fall fwd to 3:15. Call me stubborn, but this knee better get better, because no way will I have surgery on it again. Between last Spring's broken hand and this slow-to-heal knee, I've learned that prevention is key.

Speaking of DWTS, Donny Osmond and his curvaceous partner Kim Johnson were crowned the new champions shortly after my fall. I recognized Osmond's chance of winning first place after watching how well he compared to his professional teammates during Week 7's Team Tango:

Paul Simone - DO NOT HIRE THIS MAN - lying sack of shit - Memphis Cordova landscape landscaper landscaping mow mower mowing - CONTROL FREAK

Unsuccessful, but not fruitless

Seek truth in all things — even when the truth hurts.

— Me

Despite good intentions last June for my first watermelon patch, this growth-stunted specimen is its lone survivor. Looking back, I can't help but wonder what inspired me to brag about the spot I'd chosen for planting, which is poorly drained and doesn't receive enough sunlight for growing fruit.

Although the melon grew only slightly larger than a canteloupe, I sliced it open and discovered it was juicy, sweet and oh-so-tasty.

Clutterbugs

Why MegaBloks are scattered all over the family room:

Psssst it's not Maggie's fault

Ghost of Fathers Day Past

A greeting from the heart:

Whirlwind afternoon

Crisis du jour:

In the path of a tornado!

No warning siren, and boy was it fast! One minute the Bradford Pear tree was there, then when I looked again it was in pieces on the ground. Very little structure damage in our neighborhood, but the place is a mess of broken trees, some torn up by the roots.

Thankfully, my brave little ginkgo is standing strong and healthier than ever. It's barely taller than me now, and at ginkgo speed may even reach six feet in several years.

Maggie's first tornado


Tags: · "Olive Branch" · "Mississippi" · "tornado" · "Olive Branch tornado"

Here kitty·kitty·kitty

You know those jokes about the little old lady who has ten cats? Well, there's ten cats around here and I'm evidently that lady. Thankfully, we're only fostering Mama's five kittens, most of which are expected to adopt out to permanent homes. My 16-year-old cat — who hates all other felines — is adjusting to life with Lori's three younger cats, two of which are part-Bengal. Her other cat is the strong, silent type who knows how to throw his weight around but wouldn't dream of actually harming anyone.

Otep's favorite spot atop the fridge

Mojo's found the softest blanket in the house

Brother is the self-appointed Keeper Of The Stairs

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Good thing I'm a Cat Person, ain't it?

Plan B

Of all the wonderful things in the wonderful universe of God, nothing seems to me more surprising than the planting of a seed in the blank earth and the result thereof.

Julie Moir Messervy

Last summer's edible tomato has encouraged me to grow another tasty treat this season. Before I broke my hand, I'd expected to try tomatoes again. The upside-down planter, though, is a "get dirty" contraption that my cast prevented me from using. Instead, I started off a dozen or so watermelon seeds in a starter tray, then transplanted the five surviving seedlings to a front spot on the west side of the house, where they'll get lots of hot afternoon sun. I hope they're as good as the seed package looked.

And four months later:

CarlaCarlaCarlaCarla · 10/10/2009
Unsuccessful, but not fruitless

Clown face

Maggie's first Koolaid mustache:

Day Dream

Never take Ecstasy, beer, Bacardi, weed, Pepto Bismol, Vivarin, Tums, Tagamet HB, Xanax, and Valium in the same day. It makes it difficult to sleep at night.

Eminem

Another narcotic-induced dream

Okay, so there we were flying down the street, minding our own business, when we came upon a group of Men At Work repairing a leak in a roadside creek. The leak had created all sorts of problems with the purity of the water, so that if the Men At Work came in contact with it something terrible would happen to them. Not immediately, but over time, like they would eventually get a disfiguring and painful skin disease. In spite of this danger, getting into the water to repair the creek was the only way to properly fix it, so two men were up to their chests in it. Since they were both considered unimportant to Society though, their safety was sacrificed for the comfort of more important people.

Nevertheless, we ended up flying through the next creek that we came to. This was a foolish and unnecessary risk, but I wasn't given a choice in the matter. Naturally, I hoped the water in the second creek hadn't been infected with Impure Water Disease. And wouldn't you know it, the one time that my feet touched the muddy creek bed, they each fell on broken glass! Although I couldn't see the glass through the dark water, I could tell that it was thick amber glass from a carelessly discarded beer bottle.

Once back on dry land, I realized that the soles of my feet had matching lacerations, but not much bleeding. I treated them both with rubbing alcohol to help avoid infection and speed healing, but was unsure if I'd be able to at least hobble around or be unable to walk at all.

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As soon as my fractured hand healed, I ended up injuring my knee while carrying an armful of kittens around the yard. Last week's surgery to repair a torn meniscus left me with two small incisions on either side of my knee and a promise from the orthopedic surgeon that I'll develop arthritis in that joint one day. Yay meeeeeee!

Sitting pretty

Funner than a new toy

All this food consumption means that Maggie's quickly outgrowing her things, and she's ready to graduate to a larger car seat. After comparison shopping, Lori ended up purchasing the least expensive seat available. She wisely chose one that will grow with Maggie, and eventually morph into a booster seat. It even has its own cup holder! Maggie has evidently learned that anything pink with flowers belongs to her, and she's getting used to it indoors before taking it out for its first ride.

Lori's purchase inspired me to buy one for my own car, the same model but in Basic Blah Black to match my upholstery.

I also invested ten bucks in a big stuffed frog to sit beside me in the passenger seat when Maggie and I are out and about, which prevents her forgetful Gramma Tea from leaving her behind in the back seat.